I recently read a fabulous article saying
that we should never settle in the grey area when it comes to relationships and
that if someone is not a clear “Fuck Yes!” then don’t go there. I
absolutely LOVE this idea and have ever since I first heard the concept in He’sJust Not That Into You- it is pretty obvious if you like someone or if
they like you. Don’t guess, don’t make shit up and don’t invest in the grey.
Clear, simple and easy!
So if dating (and life) is this simple, why
do we make it so complicated?
I remember, years ago, dating a guy for a
couple of months. It wasn’t a clear “Fuck yes”, but definitely had potential in
my mind. After a while, he decided he would prefer to be friends and actually,
it was easy to just settle into that- probably where we should have left it in
the first place. Another friend of mine- usually a clear, competitive, take no
second prizes type- said something along the lines that maybe in hanging out as
friends, he would start to like me again (as in like like, want to date like).
I politely, but firmly threw that idea out the window. I was more than happy to
keep being friends with him, but I was not going to hang out for him to change
his mind and decide he wanted to be with me. He clearly just wasn’t that into
me, and to be honest, he wasn’t a “fuck yes” for me either.
How many of us have been taught to let persuasion and doubt override our instincts? How many of us have been taught to live in the grey? I would say just about all of us!! How often have you been encouraged, or
encouraged your friends to live in the grey? “I’m sure he really likes you but
just got caught up at work, so hasn’t’ called.” “Just go out with him anyway-
you never know, it might change.” “You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your
prince.” “Just hang in there and see what happens.” FUCK NO!
Stop kissing frogs. Stop telling your friends
he (or she) might call, that he probably isn’t married or that they just need
to be less picky. Stop making up crap to justify that he wasn’t a Fuck Yes, or
that you weren’t his (or her) Fuck Yes. And for everyone’s sake, stop saying
those encouraging, placating bullshit things to your friends who are wondering
if they should date a grey or why the guy they liked hasn’t called. To quote
the classic, “he’s just not into you!”. Simple as that. Move on.
(and yes, I am mostly saying this to women
because I think we are far more likely to get trapped in the grey, to play
nice, to give too many chances and to justify things being less than great)
And yes, I understand why we do this. I
understand the consequences of waiting for the Fuck Yes. I know about being
alone instead. I know about being single while all your friends are
having kids. I know about wanting to wander around Italy with a partner, a
lover, a soul mate and putting it off because I haven’t found them. But are we
so scared of being alone (only in the romantic partner sense, as we mostly
still have family and friends!) that we will choose unhappiness, mediocrity and
hard work over dinner for one? Yes, it can be hard to be single for longer
rather than constantly dating for the sake of it, but surely it is preferable
being happy for one than discontent for two?
OK, at 41 I have had some practice at
learning to say “thanks but no thanks” to grey and I was lucky, I got a “Fuck
Yes” at 25, so learned exactly what that feels like. And yes, since then, I
have dated in the grey out of loneliness, out of not wanting to be picky, out
of testing whether my Fuck Yes was a one-off and now I had to join the real
world. But I know- deep down- if it’s not a Fuck Yes, it is a solid No.
Sometimes the Fuck Yes is to just being
friends, and grey doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with that person or still
catch up with them. They might even be perfect for a friend of yours. It does
mean they are not your partner, the
person you want in your home, your bed, your heart. Fuck Yes’s should probably
also apply to some other big things in your life- ok, so deciding on strawberry
or chocolate is not a life-changing moment, but it can be a good place to
practice finding that knowing, rolling the ideas around on your tongue to see
which one tastes right.
And so, I commit again to finding a Fuck Yes.
In love and in life- partners, travel ideas, job applications, even clothes
shopping- Fuck Yes, no less.
A version of this article was first published in Elephant Journal.
