Making an Ass Out of U + Me

I went on a short tour of a tropical island recently. With a small group of writers, we went snorkeling, rope swinging off a small waterfall, swimming in a freezing cold pool at the bottom of a huge waterfall and generally mucking around and having fun. Most of the group were younger than me, so it was all phones and camera’s and selfies and funny group shots. The guys were all very nice. The girls were playful and funny and full of squeals and laughter. We would joke over breakfast, chat about food and talk about their parents being concerned that they were not at home building their careers. Nothing new about all of this. Except, I was the only westerner in the group. Apart from one Singaporean girl, the rest were Muslim, in various levels of covering, from regular clothes to long skirts and sleeves and socks. Except one, they all wore headscarfs.

Now, while I have travelled a bit, I am still a white middle class, almost middle aged Aussie woman. I have not really had a lot to do with religion, and especially with Islamic religion. I would not consider myself to be at all prejudice, but I did discover a bunch of thoughts I was carrying around. I had assumptions.

I assumed that the girls would be shy and quiet. I assumed that it would be hard to find common ground. I assumed that the boys would be uncomfortable with me. That they would somehow disapprove of my less conservative lifestyle. That my bikini would be a problem. That my shorts and t-shirt (though I tend to wear ¾ shorts and no spaghetti straps in more traditional places) would be frowned upon. Well, you know what they say about making assumptions….

What I realized is that most of my assumptions were about how I thought they would react to me. I assumed I was open-minded and middle-class education enough to deal with whatever I had to, but I did not give them the same credit. I assumed they would not like me. I assumed that I would not be acceptable to them. You know what they say about making assumptions…

It got me wondering how many other assumptions I make in my life. Before this, I would have said not many. I would have said that I was open-minded and life in the now and just take things as they come. But, it is possible that I was just assuming all of those things! So, here are some questions to help figure if you are assuming things about assumptions:

Is my thought based on personal experience? Of this exact situation?

Or am I building thoughts based on what I see on TV, hear on the news, learned from my parents? Am I projecting someone else’s reaction onto this situation, like reacting to a new man as if was the old one?

What is the story in my head right now?

Have you ever wondered why it is completely acceptable to be at the beach in a bikini, but not in the middle of the street? Or wondered why you are perfectly comfortable in a bikini, but would die of shame to be seen in your bra and knickers, when they are essentially the same thing (and often our bra and knickers are bigger than our bikinis!!!)? We make stories about context, when in fact, the context is made up too!

Am I writing someone else’s lines for them?

In Lombok, I was writing the other people’s lines in my head, thinking I knew what they were going to be thinking. I was wrong. Very wrong. Luckily, I just let it flow and learned how wrong I was and had loads of fun in the process!

Don’t make difference a drama!

We went swimming. I wore a bikini. The girls wore full length skirts and headscarfs. The boys wore shorts. No-one cared. We all had fun. We stood next to each other and took group photos. We hugged. Still no-one cared who was wearing what.

So, I am going to spend some time focusing on the assumptions I might be making, including if I make the assumption that I am not making assumptions! Because, I may occasionally accept making as ass out of me, but I truly prefer not to make one out of you too.

The Art of Running Away

I have mastered few things in my life.

I am not a career woman. I apparently suck at relationships. I do not have any aspirations to open an aromatherapy shop.

I am, however, quite an expert at one thing.

Running away. Hiding. Not fully belonging anywhere.

And, I think I am okay with this.

Alright, before you start talking about denial and how I am just not evolved or self-aware enough yet, let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who was trying so hard to live in a kingdom where she didn’t really belong. Oh, she had been born there, and looked just like all the other people in the kingdom, but she just couldn’t figure out how to fit in.

She tried talking and dressing just like all the others, and sometimes she could pretend she was normal, but then something would happen to remind her of how different she was underneath. Little things, like going to a party and being totally bored with all the conversations. Little things, like going to work everyday, but not really caring about what happened, even though she liked her job.

One day, the young woman met a man. He was handsome and interesting and very special in the kingdom. Everyone else thought he was very special, too, and she felt so lucky and special that he liked her. They fell in love. She felt a tiny bit more normal with her true love and his friends, even though she was scared that they would all figure out that she didn’t fit in—they were more interesting than the people she had met before, but deep in her heart, she knew she still wasn’t really like them.

After five terrifying and wonderful years—terrifying because the woman was always scared that the lovely man would discover that she was odd and not really special, and wonderful because they loved each other deeply and unconditionally)—the woman’s true love decided he was not fully happy. He loved his wife (yes, they got married), but he wanted to go off and slay dragons, and he thought being married was really not very compatible with being a dragon slayer. So he left.

The young woman loved him enough to let him go off and be happy, but she got a little bit broken inside when he left. She knew she hadn’t really belonged with him, but it had felt better than any time before in her life.

For a little while, the young woman stayed where she was, going to work everyday and trying to be normal. She held on to her routine to try to not shatter. But then, the day came when she just could not do it anymore. She loved her little house, but she just couldn’t stay there one more day, pretending to be normal.

And so she ran away. 

The young woman discovered kingdoms far different from her own. She found new people and new cultures to explore and get to know. She realized that traveling makes you so much bigger that you were before.

And so she grew. And grew. And realized that she was not really the same as people anywhere, but that she was the same as people everywhere.

So, you see, running away is not always a bad thing. True, you take yourself with you, wherever you go. But that is kind of the point.

The art of running away is not in running away from yourself. Or even in running away to find yourself, because you are already there.

The art of running away is in finding places where you have space. Where “normal” is a different size or shape or color, so you can grow new edges, so you expand into new corners you didn’t know were available. You are still you, but your definitions of “normal” and “special” change, so you find places where you fit better, or belong more. If you are really lucky, you find your home—the place that is just the right shape and size for you.

I haven’t found that yet, and I am not sure I am supposed to. I do know that I have found places with fewer boundaries, so I can be more me, more of the time. I can relax about not being “normal” and find more joy in being my true self.

So run, bless you, run!

Find wide open spaces, plumb new depths, revel in new adventures that open your heart and soul.

Peer gently at those who say, “I hope you find yourself,” for they have no idea who you already are and just how much more you will discover! Hug those who speak of safety and economics—they have chosen their kingdom already.

Set off on splendid adventures, be they to the next town, the next state, the next country or the next universe.

Go, run away. Free your soul to discover more of you.

(This article was first published in Elephant Journal)

Kopan Monastery, Nepal

I recently had the opportunity to pretend to be a travel blogger for a few days, and while I was not totally inspired to start blogging about bus trips and food stops, I decided to write some of my previous “spiritual” or “sacred” travel adventures and see if there is a place for this type of travel blog- more for inner journeys and retreats.

My first big overseas trip where I was going just to do things that I wanted to do (not with friends, not to volunteer, but just travelling for me) was in 2011 to Nepal. I really wanted to go trekking, so I booked a 3 week trip to Everest Base Camp, but then figured, as I was in the land of prayer, I could hang out and do a bit more. So I googled and googled, looking for a retreat, or meditation or something and eventually stumbled on the November course at Kopan Monastery in Kathmandu.

Young monks waiting for blessings

There were a couple of things that really appealed to me about the Kopan course. It was expanding year by year, indicating that it was hitting the mark for westerners wanting to explore Buddhism and also it was cheap! I don’t remember how much it was 3 years ago, but this year’s course was US$460, which includes 3 meals a day and dorm accommodation. You can pay a bit extra to upgrade your digs, which I did and didn’t regret that for a second!

The course is aimed at teaching Westerners the basics of the Lam Rim- the fundamental teachings of Buddhism. I found it to be a bit more like bible study than philosophy, but there was some amazing and fascinating learning in there. There were also quite a few people who had been before plus others who were already Buddhist as well as people like me who were completely new to it all, so lunchtime conversations were always interesting!

The food at the retreat was fantastic! Sometimes the lines were a bit long but the vegetarian fare was great and plentiful. There was a 10 day semi-fast in the middle were we only had 1 meal a day, but this was optional as you could always go to the café or meals were available for anyone who had a medical or personal reason to not fast. I lasted 9 days on the fast (we were getting malt types drinks for the other 2 meals…), before I cracked and had breakfast at the café. Having been trekking for the previous month, I don’t think I was at my most resilient, plus it was getting colder by the end on November and I never do well in the cold.

Kopan monk on a misty morning

Overall, the 250 people who started the course were divided on their outcomes. Some left early, frustrated by the lack of philosophical discussion and debate in the teachings. Some took vows by the end of a month when they had not been Buddhist before (not like monk vows, just prayer vows!). The teacher we had the year I went was not a fan of questions or debate- he had been an aimless Australian pot smoker before finding Buddhism, so I think for him, it was a bit like being a reformed alcoholic- all or nothing. He could not really fathom a middle ground in this belief system and got frustrated with the endless “but what if” questions.

As I was one of the question askers, I found this challenging, but I stuck it out for the month. I loved the learning, even if I didn’t agree with all of the absolutes. I still think I am far too optimistic to believe that all existence is suffering, but I am a big fan of non-attachment and the idea of karma- not as payback, more as a balance. Overall, I came to understand that I am definitely not Buddhist, but that there are some lovely and really amazing teachings there.

Boudhanath Stupa

My most enduring memory is a full moon total eclipse on our last night when some of the more enthusiastic participants undertook to do 108 circumnavigations of the Boudhanath Stupa- a distance we guestimated to be about a marathon! I did about 12, then went for pizza and marveled at the fact I was watching a total lunar eclipse at one of the holiest sites in Nepal!

Kopan Monastery is a large and fairly well known establishment about 5kms from the famous Boudhanath Stupa. The November course is now fairly well known and getting harder to get into- get your application in early!

For All the Lonely Souls

Are you one of those people who just knows where they fit in life? Someone who is happily working their way through their set goals? Do you instinctively connect with the people around you and make effortless conversation? OK, that is great, and I am truly happy for you, but this is not your article.

I am talking to those other people. The ones who feel like life is watching a 3D movie without the glasses. The ones who don’t understand what goals they should even be setting. Yes, you who knows the ‘social chatter’ game but simply doesn’t want to play. I am talking to you. My soul is talking to your soul, because we are here. We are scattered and we so often feel alone, but we are here.

Maybe it is because we don’t often have this level of conversation with people, maybe it is because we have learned to pretend, maybe we are truly scattered, but I want to touch base because tonight I am feeling lonely. Tonight, I am feeling frustrated and disappointed by an experience that reminded me of how much I don’t seem to think like other people. Tonight, I want to reach out to people like me.

You see, today I went on what was supposed to be an amazing purification ceremony here in Bali. My friend had done it before and was very keen to take a few of us to share the experience. I have done this sort of thing before, with some of the same people here in Bali and had incredible meditations and moments, so I had little compunction about going along.

The Balinese priests are often more like psychic/shamans, reading your energy, healing your heart and playing with your chakras. After the lovely purification (in a slightly chilly river), we were told that the priest could read our life purpose in one word from our third eye. (He had already read and healed our palm stories, so this didn’t seem much of a stretch). My friend had been told that her life purpose was “spirituality”- a broad but lovely concept, so I expected something similarly warm and encouraging. I got told my life purpose was “oil”.

Yep, literally oil. As in I should invest in an oil company or open an aromatherapy shop. Nonplussed, I thought about this for a while, then figured I could take it metaphorically and suggested that perhaps he meant that I was like oil, in that I often help people who are a bit stuck or smooth the way for things to happen, but no, he said I should open an aromatherapy shop.

Now, I totally get that within the values of Balinese life, having a life purpose that involves opening a shop would be a really good thing. But for me, it was soooooooo incredibly far away from the concepts that I have not only for my every day life, but also for my soul purpose! But more, I was so frustrated by him making God (aka. the Universe, life energy) so small. As if God would write your soul purpose on your forehead and have it say, “open a shop”. He made God small. And mundane. And human. And that just didn’t speak to me.

And so, yet again, I was reminded of how different I am. How I don’t want to have goals, I want to have feelings. Of how the thoughts in my head are not my enemy but my most precious friend. Of how I don’t want to ‘transform my life’ because I love my life. Of how much I am so ok with who I am but not ok with how that fits (or doesn’t fit) in the world.

And so, if you sometimes of often find that people are trying so hard to connect with you, but their concept of happiness or purpose or life just leaves you cold, here are some thoughts from my soul to yours…

No matter whether the glass is half full or half empty, it looks totally weird upside down. Seriously. A half glass of water behind me when I was in down dog this morning, spun my brain out, as my brain told me for a second that the air was water and the water air.

Yes, bright green cars do look like giant M&M’s. But not many people will think that is as fascinating as you do. They will probably think that the storm cloud that looks like a dragon eating the setting sun is cool, but won’t stare at it for 10 minutes. If we ever meet, feel free to point these things out to me and we can stare together.

The world is sometimes so beautiful, it is sad. And sometimes that sadness is beautiful. Cry when you need to. I send your soul hugs, with no demands, or no need for you to explain.

If you ever want a successful role model for being your incredible, amazing, totally not normal self, read Dr Seuss. Green Eggs and Ham or The Lorax. Need I say more?

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try! (Dr Seuss)

And of course the classic:

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! (Dr Seuss)

And so dear soul, I leave you here. Tonight, I am tired. Tired of pretending that it all makes sense. Tired of trying to value the things I am told are important. Tired of being alone. But I also know that I am not alone. Because you are out there too and I just wanted to say hello.

This article was first published in Elephant Journal.