I popped in to Bali for 2 months, on my way to South America, as I had a itch to be anywhere but home for a while. That was 14 months ago and I just left Bali yesterday.
So much and so little has happened in that time. In many ways, I set up a very routine and normal life in Bali. I had a small house, so I would cook most of my meals at home, I went to yoga 3-4 times a week and sat around reading lots of books... Very every day, but I also did meditation and spiritual courses and I learned much about myself.
Interestingly, my biggest growths have been in the past month or so, once I committed to leaving. Funny how a little pressure, or an ending can spur us deeper into where we need to go. I do have to say though, that the deepening- the internal places I have gone in the past month- could never have happened without all the groundwork. Huge shifts can happen in a weekend course or a retreat, but the nuances, the layers and layers can only be explored with time.
The thing is that I do not really know how or why I am different. I can't really see myself. I am not sure any of us have a true reference for who we are in comparison to others, as we cannot know anything other than our own perspective and we can never know how to not be ourselves- wherever that is in any given moment. It is like trying to imagine actually being the opposite gender- you may be able to imagine a bit, but you cannot truly know what it would feel like from the inside.
So, at most times in my life, I have felt the most calm, the most happy, the most evolved I have every been. At each time, I am right. AND it changes as time goes on. My most happy last year was nowhere near the same as my most happy now. My 'knowing myself' 10 years ago was a million miles from where I am now. I am so much more than I was then, but that does not for a second mean I was not enough then. I was everything then, as I am everything now- it is just a different version of everything.
So I cannot see how I have changed, for I can only feel where I am at any given moment, and it is completely true for each moment. Let's see what Nepal adds to the next moment.
