All Paths To Me

It used to really bother me when people would say they hoped I found what I was looking for or ask me if I was going to find myself in my travels- it probably still would bother me, but no-one has said it to me in a while! I never felt like I was lost, or missing any part of myself that I had to go out searching for, so it somehow felt like they were saying that I felt inadequate because I wanted to go on an adventure. 

 I realised talking to a friend yesterday though, how different my life has become because of my travels- how different I have become. The life I have now is nothing like where I thought I would be now if you had asked me 10 years ago. 

AND both are ok. I would have still been stronger, wiser, deeper if I had kept going on the path I was on then- it just would have been a totally different version of me! So I don't think I am 'finding' anything as such and was certainly not looking for this version of me as I didn't even know she could exist, but I am exploring myself and discovering one (or more) versions of the potentials I had. 

We all have every possibility inside of us, but by choosing some things over other, or not choosing some options, we only get the chance to fully develop bits and pieces of that. And that is completely fine- necessary in fact! Trying to be everything across your whole life would likely leave you with very little defined anything in the way of an actual sense of self!

Obviously, there are paths I have not taken or have been pushed off or have moved away from. We all do that across our lives. The paths we DO take are what mould us- where we shine a light into certain corners of our potential and discover what lies within. 

I could never, would never, have dreamed 10 years ago that I would be cycling home to my apartment in Nepal under a full moon (in winter!!!!), grinning like a (cold) maniac because I was so happy at simply being here. I could not have gone looking for this if I had tried because I had to get on the path to here to be here. 

So live your path fully. Immerse yourself into your potential, exploring the "who you are" that your choices lead you to. Our growth, our happiness, our life is in front of us no matter which path we are on.

♥

The Position of Love

Love is a commitment to a position, not a condition

(source unknown)

You know when you read something and it reaches up and grabs you by the throat, the heart, the mind, the soul. Maybe it’s just me, but it happens every so often- it might be a simple quote or a phrase, often on Facebook, sometimes even something I have seen before.

But, NOW, in this moment, those words speak.

The words above grabbed me today. I have been thinking a lot about judgment, about public shaming, about people not supporting each other. I have also been thinking about self-acceptance and how it all stems from how we truly feel about ourselves.

These words remind me- I choose.

But I can also turn this inward. Coming back to Nepal has reminded me how much I struggled with the Buddhist teachings when I spent a month in a monastery here 2 years ago. Yes, I actually found the tenants of Buddhism depressing. And oppressive. As I find pretty much all Religion.

The idea that our human self is flawed, broken, inferior is so sad. That we are somehow inadequate and should be striving for some 'other' perfection. That we are suffering, just by being here. (oh, and there are those 6 realms of hell to top it off!)

What if we committed to our humanness with love? What if the ‘monkey mind’ was not to be overcome or calmed, but is a very treasured component of our incarnation? What if our bodies are not to be transcended but to be truly lived in and loved? And yes, that includes food, and sex, and thinking, and lying in the sunshine, and chocolate, and, and, and…

Yes, I believe we are here to learn, to grow, to evolve. But perhaps, rather than attempting to reject or even outgrow our humanity  what if we embrace it. Love it. Kind of like “loving the one you are with”- is it possible the path to more is through fully accepting and enjoying Who You Are.  A commitment to your Loving your position of Self.

How I Am More Me Than Ever Before

I popped in to Bali for 2 months, on my way to South America, as I had a itch to be anywhere but home for a while. That was 14 months ago and I just left Bali yesterday. 

So much and so little has happened in that time. In many ways, I set up a very routine and normal life in Bali. I had a small house, so I would cook most of my meals at home, I went to yoga 3-4 times a week and sat around reading lots of books... Very every day, but I also did meditation and spiritual courses and I learned much about myself. 

Interestingly, my biggest growths have been in the past month or so, once I committed to leaving. Funny how a little pressure, or an ending can spur us deeper into where we need to go. I do have to say though, that the deepening- the internal places I have gone in the past month- could never have happened without all the groundwork. Huge shifts can happen in a weekend course or a retreat, but the nuances, the layers and layers can only be explored with time. 

The thing is that I do not really know how or why I am different. I can't really see myself. I am not sure any of us have a true reference for who we are in comparison to others, as we cannot know anything other than our own perspective and we can never know how to not be ourselves- wherever that is in any given moment. It is like trying to imagine actually being the opposite gender- you may be able to imagine a bit, but you cannot truly know what it would feel like from the inside. 

So, at most times in my life, I have felt the most calm, the most happy, the most evolved I have every been. At each time, I am right. AND it changes as time goes on. My most happy last year was nowhere near the same as my most happy now. My 'knowing myself' 10 years ago was  a million miles from where I am now. I am so much more than I was then, but that does not for a second mean I was not enough then. I was everything then, as I am everything now- it is just a different version of everything.

So I cannot see how I have changed, for I can only feel where I am at any given moment, and it is completely true for each moment. Let's see what Nepal adds to the next moment.

A Note to my 13 year old niece…

I want to explain something to you about growing up. When you are a child, you belong completely to and in your family. That’s the way things are supposed to be.

At some stage, that starts to change. You start to feel like you don’t belong. Like they don’t understand you. Like things are not fair. Like you are alone.

These feelings have a reason. It is not fun, but there is a reason. You are figuring out who you are. What your grown-up self is going to be like. Your heart pretends for a few years that you are not connected to your family, that you don’t belong. This is not really true, but this is how your heart starts to figure out who you are going to be. By giving you some space from your family. It is not easy.

It is ok. I understand that you feel alone, like the rest of us don’t know you. In some ways, you are alone. Everyone is. In some ways, we don’t know you. You are building a new you. I know these feelings are real to you now, but I want you to know something. This will not last. You are not really alone. We all love you. More than you can imagine right now.

 

I am very excited to watch you grow. I am looking forward to meeting your grown-up self. I am proud of you- then, now and in the future. 

I love you.

The Purpose of Men

A man recently told me that he fervently believes that the purpose of men now is to be in service to the divine Feminine. I have another (male) friend who has said something similar and this has been sitting uncomfortably with me for a while.

Is the sun in service to the earth? No. The sun simply Is what it Is. It does its Sunny thing. That this helps to nourish and sustain the earth is not actually the sun’s purpose. 

As analogies go, there is a lot missing from this one (like how the feminine, in turn, benefits the masculine), but I think the idea stands (not in a ‘women revolve around men’ kind of way though!!!!).

Yes, there is a lot of (recent) history to make up for and the Feminine has long been neglected or dismissed, however, reversing the disempowerment will not help. Men are not here to be of service to the divine Feminine. Men are here to be the divine Masculine. Full stop. No one is here to be in service to anyone.*

A man who is strong in his Masculine serves the other people in his life by being so, but that is not his purpose. He is simply being who he is. The fact that a woman can flourish in the presence of his strength and power does not make this his reason for existing.

Our reason for being here is because we are here. Our existence is its own reason. Life is its own reason. We are here to be exactly Who We Are. 

(How we then take this into partnership is about 100 other blogs, but for now, I am simplifying just this aspect.) 
*Our souls yearn to service, but I do not think this is necessarily linked to our masculine or feminine aspect.

Lack-lustrous thoughts

I was taught the power of language by a master of positivity and have been friends with several other masters of this skill since, however, I am still going to state, for the record, my appreciation for the lack of the following things...

1. Mosquitoes. They are rarely lacking in Bali at night, except under my net...
2. The noise of a generator. It has been my daytime accompaniment for a week now. Not today. (Note- this also applies to chainsaws and all-night dance music)
3. Sunburn. After day 3 when the bedsheets stop feeling like sandpaper and you can roll over again.
4. Headache, stomach cramps, back pain- whichever. Tis awesome when they stop. 
5. Drama. I don't do it. I love to tell a dramatic story, I just don't want to create one!

Oh, don't get me wrong... I appreciate silence and health and all of those positive things too, but sometimes, you just have to love NOT having something!

A deeper Secret

We all know the 'Secret'- you can manifest what you want by picturing it, thinking it, colouring it in in your mind... Kind of the non-religious version of prayer.

Well, I think I found another secret...

I was doing my regular manifesting meditation this morning- usually I am focussed on more general things like love and gratitude than the material, but after a conversation with a friend and energy master last night, today I was asking the Universe to bring me a romance... (yep, please ignore that detail folks!)

Suddenly, the knowledge hit me- my prayer (yes, same thing, different word- it's OK!) should not be to attract what I want. My prayer, my heart and soul should be asking for the help to making myself ready for what I want. I could access all that guidance, all that inspiration, all that energy for MYSELF!

Selfish, I hear you gasp!! Hang on... How can me becoming a better person be selfish? Is what not what the Universe, all my loved ones and my soul would want from me, for me? Does not me becoming a better person help the world? Would it not be a favour to the person that the Universe has already manifested out there for me? (nope, they are not going to be created out of thin air- I am hoping the Universe foresaw my need about 40 years ago!!!)

Now, I have heard this before. Become the person who would be/have/do/meet/etc the thing you want. What I had not connected was making that my deepest desire- the thing I could get guidance on, be inspired in, have answered... I do not have to ask the Universe for help to find my partner, BUT, I can ask the Universe for help in finding myself.

♡

In the Shadows

Being surrounded by spiritual people on a beautiful tropical island can be a wonderful and healing experience. Sometimes, too healing! Wait, before you say "what!!", let me explain...

Someone was recommending arnica for a couple of mostly healed bruises I had on my leg. Now, I am not big into creams and salves and such things, especially for something as non-life-threatening as a bruise, so I thanked her but wasn't very keen. She was very insistent that I needed to get some arnica and raved about how wonderful it is- she seemed a little miffed that I didn't rush out right then (we were at a wedding!!) to get some...

Another friend, who is highly intuitive, seems to rush me into processing whatever I am feeling any time I am a tiny bit not perfectly happy and someone else was recommending I 'throw my cough into the sacred fire' on the second day I had it...

Now, I love all of these concepts, and I truly believe that if you are stuck in something or can't shift a feeling or health issue, then some work is needed. But do we need to instantly process and dissolve every little 'negative'?

The Shadow is instantly seen to be suffering- a darkness, something to be avoided at all costs. Not only do we need to face our shadow (all those so-called dark and negative emotions and feelings), I think we need to own and honour them. 

My bruises remind me to be careful- I honour that the lesson was no more serious. My sometimes sadness pays homage to loved ones I miss or provides fuel for introspection and growth. My cough says pay attention to an unspoken truth, a repressed expression.

Be where you are for the learnings are important at every point in the scale. Being 'spiritual' does not mean just living in the light- you have to also embrace the Shadows...

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. 

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? 

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? 

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. 

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. 

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." 

But I say unto you, they are inseparable. 

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
(Kahlil Gibran- The Prophet)

Green-eyed Spiritualist

I have a confession... I have been attacked by the green-eyed monster. In the most unsuitable arena.

I have never been a jealous person when it comes to relationships, but as a youngest child in a not very emotionally abundant family, I have been jealous of the attention and praise that others recieve. Especially in any area that is important to me. Previously, this has attacked me in my career, when colleagues get good assignments or recognition, or, god forbid, a promotion. 

Now I am 'spiritual'- free of such trappings as career envy and freeing myself of such low-vibrational states as envy all together... right? Ha!!

Nope- it has attacked me in the most inappropriate of places- in my spiritual journey! I have always accepted that I am not the most disciplined of meditators (understatement of the decade!!!!) and am coming to terms with my lack of intuition, sight, gift or any other tangible spiritual skill (heck- I can't even 'meet' my guides)... But I have been pretty cool with that.

I am currently privileged to be meditating with some amazing Energy Masters. I was doing ok with kind of tagging along- I have actually mastered my younger need to be noticed, to be front and centre- until comments were made about how special my friends are (and yes, they are wonderful, incredible souls!). And out jumps my green-eyed monster, right into the middle of my lovely scenic spiritual path!

Whack goes the envy stick and I am really struggling with others being praised for having noteworthy souls!! Yep, I know that sounds strange, but I have become a Soul Stage Mother!! I want MY soul to stand out, to get praised, to be seen as special. 

AND, that's not how things are going right now... Of course, I know this is perfect and it is such a conflict! I am not only struggling with my jealousy, but also with the 'wrongness' of being jealous over such a thing! 

So, my imperfect journey continues... Luckily, I retain the ability to laugh at myself...