Making an Ass Out of U + Me

I went on a short tour of a tropical island recently. With a small group of writers, we went snorkeling, rope swinging off a small waterfall, swimming in a freezing cold pool at the bottom of a huge waterfall and generally mucking around and having fun. Most of the group were younger than me, so it was all phones and camera’s and selfies and funny group shots. The guys were all very nice. The girls were playful and funny and full of squeals and laughter. We would joke over breakfast, chat about food and talk about their parents being concerned that they were not at home building their careers. Nothing new about all of this. Except, I was the only westerner in the group. Apart from one Singaporean girl, the rest were Muslim, in various levels of covering, from regular clothes to long skirts and sleeves and socks. Except one, they all wore headscarfs.

Now, while I have travelled a bit, I am still a white middle class, almost middle aged Aussie woman. I have not really had a lot to do with religion, and especially with Islamic religion. I would not consider myself to be at all prejudice, but I did discover a bunch of thoughts I was carrying around. I had assumptions.

I assumed that the girls would be shy and quiet. I assumed that it would be hard to find common ground. I assumed that the boys would be uncomfortable with me. That they would somehow disapprove of my less conservative lifestyle. That my bikini would be a problem. That my shorts and t-shirt (though I tend to wear ¾ shorts and no spaghetti straps in more traditional places) would be frowned upon. Well, you know what they say about making assumptions….

What I realized is that most of my assumptions were about how I thought they would react to me. I assumed I was open-minded and middle-class education enough to deal with whatever I had to, but I did not give them the same credit. I assumed they would not like me. I assumed that I would not be acceptable to them. You know what they say about making assumptions…

It got me wondering how many other assumptions I make in my life. Before this, I would have said not many. I would have said that I was open-minded and life in the now and just take things as they come. But, it is possible that I was just assuming all of those things! So, here are some questions to help figure if you are assuming things about assumptions:

Is my thought based on personal experience? Of this exact situation?

Or am I building thoughts based on what I see on TV, hear on the news, learned from my parents? Am I projecting someone else’s reaction onto this situation, like reacting to a new man as if was the old one?

What is the story in my head right now?

Have you ever wondered why it is completely acceptable to be at the beach in a bikini, but not in the middle of the street? Or wondered why you are perfectly comfortable in a bikini, but would die of shame to be seen in your bra and knickers, when they are essentially the same thing (and often our bra and knickers are bigger than our bikinis!!!)? We make stories about context, when in fact, the context is made up too!

Am I writing someone else’s lines for them?

In Lombok, I was writing the other people’s lines in my head, thinking I knew what they were going to be thinking. I was wrong. Very wrong. Luckily, I just let it flow and learned how wrong I was and had loads of fun in the process!

Don’t make difference a drama!

We went swimming. I wore a bikini. The girls wore full length skirts and headscarfs. The boys wore shorts. No-one cared. We all had fun. We stood next to each other and took group photos. We hugged. Still no-one cared who was wearing what.

So, I am going to spend some time focusing on the assumptions I might be making, including if I make the assumption that I am not making assumptions! Because, I may occasionally accept making as ass out of me, but I truly prefer not to make one out of you too.