The Challenge of Being Seen

I have been hanging out with a friend lately who is in a big growth and self-awareness phase. I have been (I hope!!) supporting and challenging- listening and caring, but also to lovingly teasing and nudging. Part of this dance yesterday was me being very present while my friend talked, until they squirmed and asked me to stop looking. I told them I couldn’t. I said, “I see you”.

This moment, I think, touched both of us. It was powerful to be a participant in this moment. But when my friend flipped it and asked, “and who sees you?” I got a taste of the other side. Ouch.

 

My answer- somewhat flippantly and somewhat defensively- was “no-one”. Which is partly true. I have many wonderful friends in my life who are there for me at various times. And I will admit that each of them is there in parts of my life. But I feel like I keep the parts of my life separate. My wonderful supportive sister has never been on a spiritual adventure with me, where a whole other side of me comes into play. My city friends don’t really know my practical farm girl self. But no-one crosses all my boundaries. I don’t let them.

We all secretly want to be seen. We want to be understood. Just about every week, I see several “How to Love a (insert star sign/characteristic/behavior here)”- Scorpio, girl who travels, girl who reads, introvert- they all have their own “how to love them” manual. And I bet, I truly would put money on the line, that at least 90% of the people who click on those articles are in fact the bearer of the said star sign/characteristic/behavior rather than their lovers. I bet.

And what does that tell you? That we all seek to be seen. To feel understood. To be heard. But this is a secret wish. A wish that makes us feel vulnerable. A wish we hide behind masks. I am great at hiding behind masks. Here are a couple of my go-to choices…

      1.    The “easy-going” mask

I am not so much being the ‘good girl’ or repressed ‘nice girl’, but I very rarely feel any need to rock the boat. On the contrary, I feel the need to pitch in, help out, be accommodating, simple to deal with. Not out of fear of not being liked, but mostly just because I can.

I am easy going- everyone else has such busy lives, of course I can accommodate your schedule; I can meet whenever suits you; I don’t mind if you cancel or change our plans. And most of the time, I truly don’t mind. But sometimes, I fucking do! Do not mistake my kindness for weakness. I want to matter too.

      2.    Detached observer mask

This kind of snowballed out of control when I became a therapist. I could hide behind my professional detachment, not only not having to share anything of myself, but also withholding my thoughts and feelings from my everyday life. Problem is, the more personal the other person gets, the more I withdraw. This has not worked out so well for me in “deep and meaningful” relationship conversations.

What I really want to say is, “Stop talking AT me!!” Let me breathe. Let me think. Give me time to connect and answer. Because I won’t speak rashly. I will not retaliate or play tit for tat. But I don’t say all that. I just hide.

So here is my thought for today… Nope, it is nothing as simple as “what masks are you wearing?” because that is a level 1 question, and I reckon we are probably all a bit further down the track than that. My questions are: who do you secretly want to see you? What hints are you dropping, what signals are you giving, all the while hiding behind your masks to ensure that even when they look, they won’t really see you anyway?

Because this is what we do. We create this secret wish to be seen and engage in crazy behaviors trying to be noticed, but not really showing ourselves at the same time. We see this shit in movies all the time. We are fed fairytales about how the ‘right’ person will love you no matter how much you hide. That the ‘right’ person will get your hints and see straight through your masks.

BULLSHIT!

Own your crap people. Yes, we all want to be seen, to be loved for who we are. But we are all running around hiding who we are! This is craziness! We are so busy wishing someone else would see us, understand us, that we don’t see and understand ourselves.

I don’t have any brilliant answers. I am the person who hides herself from the world, behind ‘happy’ and ‘capable’ and ‘independent’. But I know that I am a person who is trying. I am a person who owns her secret wishes. I am person who would read an article entitled “How to Love an Aries” knowing full well she would rather be reading an article called “How to Survive Being an Aries”. Because it is lovely to imagine someone else loving me, seeing me, understanding me, but I am not in control of that. I am only responsible for loving, seeing and understanding myself.

I see me.

The Art of Running Away

I have mastered few things in my life.

I am not a career woman. I apparently suck at relationships. I do not have any aspirations to open an aromatherapy shop.

I am, however, quite an expert at one thing.

Running away. Hiding. Not fully belonging anywhere.

And, I think I am okay with this.

Alright, before you start talking about denial and how I am just not evolved or self-aware enough yet, let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a young woman who was trying so hard to live in a kingdom where she didn’t really belong. Oh, she had been born there, and looked just like all the other people in the kingdom, but she just couldn’t figure out how to fit in.

She tried talking and dressing just like all the others, and sometimes she could pretend she was normal, but then something would happen to remind her of how different she was underneath. Little things, like going to a party and being totally bored with all the conversations. Little things, like going to work everyday, but not really caring about what happened, even though she liked her job.

One day, the young woman met a man. He was handsome and interesting and very special in the kingdom. Everyone else thought he was very special, too, and she felt so lucky and special that he liked her. They fell in love. She felt a tiny bit more normal with her true love and his friends, even though she was scared that they would all figure out that she didn’t fit in—they were more interesting than the people she had met before, but deep in her heart, she knew she still wasn’t really like them.

After five terrifying and wonderful years—terrifying because the woman was always scared that the lovely man would discover that she was odd and not really special, and wonderful because they loved each other deeply and unconditionally)—the woman’s true love decided he was not fully happy. He loved his wife (yes, they got married), but he wanted to go off and slay dragons, and he thought being married was really not very compatible with being a dragon slayer. So he left.

The young woman loved him enough to let him go off and be happy, but she got a little bit broken inside when he left. She knew she hadn’t really belonged with him, but it had felt better than any time before in her life.

For a little while, the young woman stayed where she was, going to work everyday and trying to be normal. She held on to her routine to try to not shatter. But then, the day came when she just could not do it anymore. She loved her little house, but she just couldn’t stay there one more day, pretending to be normal.

And so she ran away. 

The young woman discovered kingdoms far different from her own. She found new people and new cultures to explore and get to know. She realized that traveling makes you so much bigger that you were before.

And so she grew. And grew. And realized that she was not really the same as people anywhere, but that she was the same as people everywhere.

So, you see, running away is not always a bad thing. True, you take yourself with you, wherever you go. But that is kind of the point.

The art of running away is not in running away from yourself. Or even in running away to find yourself, because you are already there.

The art of running away is in finding places where you have space. Where “normal” is a different size or shape or color, so you can grow new edges, so you expand into new corners you didn’t know were available. You are still you, but your definitions of “normal” and “special” change, so you find places where you fit better, or belong more. If you are really lucky, you find your home—the place that is just the right shape and size for you.

I haven’t found that yet, and I am not sure I am supposed to. I do know that I have found places with fewer boundaries, so I can be more me, more of the time. I can relax about not being “normal” and find more joy in being my true self.

So run, bless you, run!

Find wide open spaces, plumb new depths, revel in new adventures that open your heart and soul.

Peer gently at those who say, “I hope you find yourself,” for they have no idea who you already are and just how much more you will discover! Hug those who speak of safety and economics—they have chosen their kingdom already.

Set off on splendid adventures, be they to the next town, the next state, the next country or the next universe.

Go, run away. Free your soul to discover more of you.

(This article was first published in Elephant Journal)

For All the Lonely Souls

Are you one of those people who just knows where they fit in life? Someone who is happily working their way through their set goals? Do you instinctively connect with the people around you and make effortless conversation? OK, that is great, and I am truly happy for you, but this is not your article.

I am talking to those other people. The ones who feel like life is watching a 3D movie without the glasses. The ones who don’t understand what goals they should even be setting. Yes, you who knows the ‘social chatter’ game but simply doesn’t want to play. I am talking to you. My soul is talking to your soul, because we are here. We are scattered and we so often feel alone, but we are here.

Maybe it is because we don’t often have this level of conversation with people, maybe it is because we have learned to pretend, maybe we are truly scattered, but I want to touch base because tonight I am feeling lonely. Tonight, I am feeling frustrated and disappointed by an experience that reminded me of how much I don’t seem to think like other people. Tonight, I want to reach out to people like me.

You see, today I went on what was supposed to be an amazing purification ceremony here in Bali. My friend had done it before and was very keen to take a few of us to share the experience. I have done this sort of thing before, with some of the same people here in Bali and had incredible meditations and moments, so I had little compunction about going along.

The Balinese priests are often more like psychic/shamans, reading your energy, healing your heart and playing with your chakras. After the lovely purification (in a slightly chilly river), we were told that the priest could read our life purpose in one word from our third eye. (He had already read and healed our palm stories, so this didn’t seem much of a stretch). My friend had been told that her life purpose was “spirituality”- a broad but lovely concept, so I expected something similarly warm and encouraging. I got told my life purpose was “oil”.

Yep, literally oil. As in I should invest in an oil company or open an aromatherapy shop. Nonplussed, I thought about this for a while, then figured I could take it metaphorically and suggested that perhaps he meant that I was like oil, in that I often help people who are a bit stuck or smooth the way for things to happen, but no, he said I should open an aromatherapy shop.

Now, I totally get that within the values of Balinese life, having a life purpose that involves opening a shop would be a really good thing. But for me, it was soooooooo incredibly far away from the concepts that I have not only for my every day life, but also for my soul purpose! But more, I was so frustrated by him making God (aka. the Universe, life energy) so small. As if God would write your soul purpose on your forehead and have it say, “open a shop”. He made God small. And mundane. And human. And that just didn’t speak to me.

And so, yet again, I was reminded of how different I am. How I don’t want to have goals, I want to have feelings. Of how the thoughts in my head are not my enemy but my most precious friend. Of how I don’t want to ‘transform my life’ because I love my life. Of how much I am so ok with who I am but not ok with how that fits (or doesn’t fit) in the world.

And so, if you sometimes of often find that people are trying so hard to connect with you, but their concept of happiness or purpose or life just leaves you cold, here are some thoughts from my soul to yours…

No matter whether the glass is half full or half empty, it looks totally weird upside down. Seriously. A half glass of water behind me when I was in down dog this morning, spun my brain out, as my brain told me for a second that the air was water and the water air.

Yes, bright green cars do look like giant M&M’s. But not many people will think that is as fascinating as you do. They will probably think that the storm cloud that looks like a dragon eating the setting sun is cool, but won’t stare at it for 10 minutes. If we ever meet, feel free to point these things out to me and we can stare together.

The world is sometimes so beautiful, it is sad. And sometimes that sadness is beautiful. Cry when you need to. I send your soul hugs, with no demands, or no need for you to explain.

If you ever want a successful role model for being your incredible, amazing, totally not normal self, read Dr Seuss. Green Eggs and Ham or The Lorax. Need I say more?

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try! (Dr Seuss)

And of course the classic:

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! (Dr Seuss)

And so dear soul, I leave you here. Tonight, I am tired. Tired of pretending that it all makes sense. Tired of trying to value the things I am told are important. Tired of being alone. But I also know that I am not alone. Because you are out there too and I just wanted to say hello.

This article was first published in Elephant Journal.

Fuck Yes, No Less.

I recently read a fabulous article saying that we should never settle in the grey area when it comes to relationships and that if someone is not a clear “Fuck Yes!” then don’t go there. I absolutely LOVE this idea and have ever since I first heard the concept in He’sJust Not That Into You- it is pretty obvious if you like someone or if they like you. Don’t guess, don’t make shit up and don’t invest in the grey. Clear, simple and easy!

So if dating (and life) is this simple, why do we make it so complicated?

I remember, years ago, dating a guy for a couple of months. It wasn’t a clear “Fuck yes”, but definitely had potential in my mind. After a while, he decided he would prefer to be friends and actually, it was easy to just settle into that- probably where we should have left it in the first place. Another friend of mine- usually a clear, competitive, take no second prizes type- said something along the lines that maybe in hanging out as friends, he would start to like me again (as in like like, want to date like). I politely, but firmly threw that idea out the window. I was more than happy to keep being friends with him, but I was not going to hang out for him to change his mind and decide he wanted to be with me. He clearly just wasn’t that into me, and to be honest, he wasn’t a “fuck yes” for me either.

How many of us have been taught to let persuasion and doubt override our instincts? How many of us have been taught to live in the grey? I would say just about all of us!! How often have you been encouraged, or encouraged your friends to live in the grey? “I’m sure he really likes you but just got caught up at work, so hasn’t’ called.” “Just go out with him anyway- you never know, it might change.” “You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.” “Just hang in there and see what happens.” FUCK NO!

Stop kissing frogs. Stop telling your friends he (or she) might call, that he probably isn’t married or that they just need to be less picky. Stop making up crap to justify that he wasn’t a Fuck Yes, or that you weren’t his (or her) Fuck Yes. And for everyone’s sake, stop saying those encouraging, placating bullshit things to your friends who are wondering if they should date a grey or why the guy they liked hasn’t called. To quote the classic, “he’s just not into you!”. Simple as that. Move on.

(and yes, I am mostly saying this to women because I think we are far more likely to get trapped in the grey, to play nice, to give too many chances and to justify things being less than great)

And yes, I understand why we do this. I understand the consequences of waiting for the Fuck Yes. I know about being alone instead. I know about being single while all your friends are having kids. I know about wanting to wander around Italy with a partner, a lover, a soul mate and putting it off because I haven’t found them. But are we so scared of being alone (only in the romantic partner sense, as we mostly still have family and friends!) that we will choose unhappiness, mediocrity and hard work over dinner for one? Yes, it can be hard to be single for longer rather than constantly dating for the sake of it, but surely it is preferable being happy for one than discontent for two?

OK, at 41 I have had some practice at learning to say “thanks but no thanks” to grey and I was lucky, I got a “Fuck Yes” at 25, so learned exactly what that feels like. And yes, since then, I have dated in the grey out of loneliness, out of not wanting to be picky, out of testing whether my Fuck Yes was a one-off and now I had to join the real world. But I know- deep down- if it’s not a Fuck Yes, it is a solid No.

Sometimes the Fuck Yes is to just being friends, and grey doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with that person or still catch up with them. They might even be perfect for a friend of yours. It does mean they are not your partner, the person you want in your home, your bed, your heart. Fuck Yes’s should probably also apply to some other big things in your life- ok, so deciding on strawberry or chocolate is not a life-changing moment, but it can be a good place to practice finding that knowing, rolling the ideas around on your tongue to see which one tastes right.

And so, I commit again to finding a Fuck Yes. In love and in life- partners, travel ideas, job applications, even clothes shopping- Fuck Yes, no less.

A version of this article was first published in Elephant Journal.