Kopan Monastery, Nepal

I recently had the opportunity to pretend to be a travel blogger for a few days, and while I was not totally inspired to start blogging about bus trips and food stops, I decided to write some of my previous “spiritual” or “sacred” travel adventures and see if there is a place for this type of travel blog- more for inner journeys and retreats.

My first big overseas trip where I was going just to do things that I wanted to do (not with friends, not to volunteer, but just travelling for me) was in 2011 to Nepal. I really wanted to go trekking, so I booked a 3 week trip to Everest Base Camp, but then figured, as I was in the land of prayer, I could hang out and do a bit more. So I googled and googled, looking for a retreat, or meditation or something and eventually stumbled on the November course at Kopan Monastery in Kathmandu.

Young monks waiting for blessings

There were a couple of things that really appealed to me about the Kopan course. It was expanding year by year, indicating that it was hitting the mark for westerners wanting to explore Buddhism and also it was cheap! I don’t remember how much it was 3 years ago, but this year’s course was US$460, which includes 3 meals a day and dorm accommodation. You can pay a bit extra to upgrade your digs, which I did and didn’t regret that for a second!

The course is aimed at teaching Westerners the basics of the Lam Rim- the fundamental teachings of Buddhism. I found it to be a bit more like bible study than philosophy, but there was some amazing and fascinating learning in there. There were also quite a few people who had been before plus others who were already Buddhist as well as people like me who were completely new to it all, so lunchtime conversations were always interesting!

The food at the retreat was fantastic! Sometimes the lines were a bit long but the vegetarian fare was great and plentiful. There was a 10 day semi-fast in the middle were we only had 1 meal a day, but this was optional as you could always go to the café or meals were available for anyone who had a medical or personal reason to not fast. I lasted 9 days on the fast (we were getting malt types drinks for the other 2 meals…), before I cracked and had breakfast at the café. Having been trekking for the previous month, I don’t think I was at my most resilient, plus it was getting colder by the end on November and I never do well in the cold.

Kopan monk on a misty morning

Overall, the 250 people who started the course were divided on their outcomes. Some left early, frustrated by the lack of philosophical discussion and debate in the teachings. Some took vows by the end of a month when they had not been Buddhist before (not like monk vows, just prayer vows!). The teacher we had the year I went was not a fan of questions or debate- he had been an aimless Australian pot smoker before finding Buddhism, so I think for him, it was a bit like being a reformed alcoholic- all or nothing. He could not really fathom a middle ground in this belief system and got frustrated with the endless “but what if” questions.

As I was one of the question askers, I found this challenging, but I stuck it out for the month. I loved the learning, even if I didn’t agree with all of the absolutes. I still think I am far too optimistic to believe that all existence is suffering, but I am a big fan of non-attachment and the idea of karma- not as payback, more as a balance. Overall, I came to understand that I am definitely not Buddhist, but that there are some lovely and really amazing teachings there.

Boudhanath Stupa

My most enduring memory is a full moon total eclipse on our last night when some of the more enthusiastic participants undertook to do 108 circumnavigations of the Boudhanath Stupa- a distance we guestimated to be about a marathon! I did about 12, then went for pizza and marveled at the fact I was watching a total lunar eclipse at one of the holiest sites in Nepal!

Kopan Monastery is a large and fairly well known establishment about 5kms from the famous Boudhanath Stupa. The November course is now fairly well known and getting harder to get into- get your application in early!

For All the Lonely Souls

Are you one of those people who just knows where they fit in life? Someone who is happily working their way through their set goals? Do you instinctively connect with the people around you and make effortless conversation? OK, that is great, and I am truly happy for you, but this is not your article.

I am talking to those other people. The ones who feel like life is watching a 3D movie without the glasses. The ones who don’t understand what goals they should even be setting. Yes, you who knows the ‘social chatter’ game but simply doesn’t want to play. I am talking to you. My soul is talking to your soul, because we are here. We are scattered and we so often feel alone, but we are here.

Maybe it is because we don’t often have this level of conversation with people, maybe it is because we have learned to pretend, maybe we are truly scattered, but I want to touch base because tonight I am feeling lonely. Tonight, I am feeling frustrated and disappointed by an experience that reminded me of how much I don’t seem to think like other people. Tonight, I want to reach out to people like me.

You see, today I went on what was supposed to be an amazing purification ceremony here in Bali. My friend had done it before and was very keen to take a few of us to share the experience. I have done this sort of thing before, with some of the same people here in Bali and had incredible meditations and moments, so I had little compunction about going along.

The Balinese priests are often more like psychic/shamans, reading your energy, healing your heart and playing with your chakras. After the lovely purification (in a slightly chilly river), we were told that the priest could read our life purpose in one word from our third eye. (He had already read and healed our palm stories, so this didn’t seem much of a stretch). My friend had been told that her life purpose was “spirituality”- a broad but lovely concept, so I expected something similarly warm and encouraging. I got told my life purpose was “oil”.

Yep, literally oil. As in I should invest in an oil company or open an aromatherapy shop. Nonplussed, I thought about this for a while, then figured I could take it metaphorically and suggested that perhaps he meant that I was like oil, in that I often help people who are a bit stuck or smooth the way for things to happen, but no, he said I should open an aromatherapy shop.

Now, I totally get that within the values of Balinese life, having a life purpose that involves opening a shop would be a really good thing. But for me, it was soooooooo incredibly far away from the concepts that I have not only for my every day life, but also for my soul purpose! But more, I was so frustrated by him making God (aka. the Universe, life energy) so small. As if God would write your soul purpose on your forehead and have it say, “open a shop”. He made God small. And mundane. And human. And that just didn’t speak to me.

And so, yet again, I was reminded of how different I am. How I don’t want to have goals, I want to have feelings. Of how the thoughts in my head are not my enemy but my most precious friend. Of how I don’t want to ‘transform my life’ because I love my life. Of how much I am so ok with who I am but not ok with how that fits (or doesn’t fit) in the world.

And so, if you sometimes of often find that people are trying so hard to connect with you, but their concept of happiness or purpose or life just leaves you cold, here are some thoughts from my soul to yours…

No matter whether the glass is half full or half empty, it looks totally weird upside down. Seriously. A half glass of water behind me when I was in down dog this morning, spun my brain out, as my brain told me for a second that the air was water and the water air.

Yes, bright green cars do look like giant M&M’s. But not many people will think that is as fascinating as you do. They will probably think that the storm cloud that looks like a dragon eating the setting sun is cool, but won’t stare at it for 10 minutes. If we ever meet, feel free to point these things out to me and we can stare together.

The world is sometimes so beautiful, it is sad. And sometimes that sadness is beautiful. Cry when you need to. I send your soul hugs, with no demands, or no need for you to explain.

If you ever want a successful role model for being your incredible, amazing, totally not normal self, read Dr Seuss. Green Eggs and Ham or The Lorax. Need I say more?

Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try! (Dr Seuss)

And of course the classic:

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you! (Dr Seuss)

And so dear soul, I leave you here. Tonight, I am tired. Tired of pretending that it all makes sense. Tired of trying to value the things I am told are important. Tired of being alone. But I also know that I am not alone. Because you are out there too and I just wanted to say hello.

This article was first published in Elephant Journal.

Fuck Yes, No Less.

I recently read a fabulous article saying that we should never settle in the grey area when it comes to relationships and that if someone is not a clear “Fuck Yes!” then don’t go there. I absolutely LOVE this idea and have ever since I first heard the concept in He’sJust Not That Into You- it is pretty obvious if you like someone or if they like you. Don’t guess, don’t make shit up and don’t invest in the grey. Clear, simple and easy!

So if dating (and life) is this simple, why do we make it so complicated?

I remember, years ago, dating a guy for a couple of months. It wasn’t a clear “Fuck yes”, but definitely had potential in my mind. After a while, he decided he would prefer to be friends and actually, it was easy to just settle into that- probably where we should have left it in the first place. Another friend of mine- usually a clear, competitive, take no second prizes type- said something along the lines that maybe in hanging out as friends, he would start to like me again (as in like like, want to date like). I politely, but firmly threw that idea out the window. I was more than happy to keep being friends with him, but I was not going to hang out for him to change his mind and decide he wanted to be with me. He clearly just wasn’t that into me, and to be honest, he wasn’t a “fuck yes” for me either.

How many of us have been taught to let persuasion and doubt override our instincts? How many of us have been taught to live in the grey? I would say just about all of us!! How often have you been encouraged, or encouraged your friends to live in the grey? “I’m sure he really likes you but just got caught up at work, so hasn’t’ called.” “Just go out with him anyway- you never know, it might change.” “You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.” “Just hang in there and see what happens.” FUCK NO!

Stop kissing frogs. Stop telling your friends he (or she) might call, that he probably isn’t married or that they just need to be less picky. Stop making up crap to justify that he wasn’t a Fuck Yes, or that you weren’t his (or her) Fuck Yes. And for everyone’s sake, stop saying those encouraging, placating bullshit things to your friends who are wondering if they should date a grey or why the guy they liked hasn’t called. To quote the classic, “he’s just not into you!”. Simple as that. Move on.

(and yes, I am mostly saying this to women because I think we are far more likely to get trapped in the grey, to play nice, to give too many chances and to justify things being less than great)

And yes, I understand why we do this. I understand the consequences of waiting for the Fuck Yes. I know about being alone instead. I know about being single while all your friends are having kids. I know about wanting to wander around Italy with a partner, a lover, a soul mate and putting it off because I haven’t found them. But are we so scared of being alone (only in the romantic partner sense, as we mostly still have family and friends!) that we will choose unhappiness, mediocrity and hard work over dinner for one? Yes, it can be hard to be single for longer rather than constantly dating for the sake of it, but surely it is preferable being happy for one than discontent for two?

OK, at 41 I have had some practice at learning to say “thanks but no thanks” to grey and I was lucky, I got a “Fuck Yes” at 25, so learned exactly what that feels like. And yes, since then, I have dated in the grey out of loneliness, out of not wanting to be picky, out of testing whether my Fuck Yes was a one-off and now I had to join the real world. But I know- deep down- if it’s not a Fuck Yes, it is a solid No.

Sometimes the Fuck Yes is to just being friends, and grey doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with that person or still catch up with them. They might even be perfect for a friend of yours. It does mean they are not your partner, the person you want in your home, your bed, your heart. Fuck Yes’s should probably also apply to some other big things in your life- ok, so deciding on strawberry or chocolate is not a life-changing moment, but it can be a good place to practice finding that knowing, rolling the ideas around on your tongue to see which one tastes right.

And so, I commit again to finding a Fuck Yes. In love and in life- partners, travel ideas, job applications, even clothes shopping- Fuck Yes, no less.

A version of this article was first published in Elephant Journal.

The love less travelled

I believe love is the ultimate expression of our lives, so I asked the Universe why it was wasting my love by not bringing me a partner. The Universe replied:

I already have many people living love that way. I ask you to walk the road less travelled- to live love, to be love without the usual anchors and mirrors.

I guess I always said I liked a challenge. And it is.

True love (though I am not sure there is any other kind) is generated from within- perhaps inspired and fuelled by those around us, but it come from us, not to us. In theory, I can live a life full of love on my own. In practice, I will tell you it is not easy.

I am not just talking about being happy on my own, or finding contentment in life. This is not just enjoying things, but being in love with moments. I am talking about feeling love, real love in an everyday way, without a partner or family to trigger and reflect it.

To actually feel love, not just remember it, on my own is often a challenge. Some days I succeed, some days I have to remind my self to try harder, some days I just want to tell the Universe to shove the road!

But I keep trying. Because I believe in love. I believe it is the ultimate expression of why we are here. And I believe there are many versions. All true. I also believe my higher purpose was never going to be the common road. So, someone has to trek the road where love is explored through other ways. Not with a partner or children, but through beauty, adventure, moments, self.

At the end of the day, we all get to choose our inner world. So, I choose love. Over and over again. In small moments that most people probably don’t need to see as being loveable. Tonight, I was in love with the sunset...







A longer version of this blog is now on Elephant Journal- http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/01/the-love-less-traveled-tui-anderson/