Fuck Yes, No Less.

I recently read a fabulous article saying that we should never settle in the grey area when it comes to relationships and that if someone is not a clear “Fuck Yes!” then don’t go there. I absolutely LOVE this idea and have ever since I first heard the concept in He’sJust Not That Into You- it is pretty obvious if you like someone or if they like you. Don’t guess, don’t make shit up and don’t invest in the grey. Clear, simple and easy!

So if dating (and life) is this simple, why do we make it so complicated?

I remember, years ago, dating a guy for a couple of months. It wasn’t a clear “Fuck yes”, but definitely had potential in my mind. After a while, he decided he would prefer to be friends and actually, it was easy to just settle into that- probably where we should have left it in the first place. Another friend of mine- usually a clear, competitive, take no second prizes type- said something along the lines that maybe in hanging out as friends, he would start to like me again (as in like like, want to date like). I politely, but firmly threw that idea out the window. I was more than happy to keep being friends with him, but I was not going to hang out for him to change his mind and decide he wanted to be with me. He clearly just wasn’t that into me, and to be honest, he wasn’t a “fuck yes” for me either.

How many of us have been taught to let persuasion and doubt override our instincts? How many of us have been taught to live in the grey? I would say just about all of us!! How often have you been encouraged, or encouraged your friends to live in the grey? “I’m sure he really likes you but just got caught up at work, so hasn’t’ called.” “Just go out with him anyway- you never know, it might change.” “You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.” “Just hang in there and see what happens.” FUCK NO!

Stop kissing frogs. Stop telling your friends he (or she) might call, that he probably isn’t married or that they just need to be less picky. Stop making up crap to justify that he wasn’t a Fuck Yes, or that you weren’t his (or her) Fuck Yes. And for everyone’s sake, stop saying those encouraging, placating bullshit things to your friends who are wondering if they should date a grey or why the guy they liked hasn’t called. To quote the classic, “he’s just not into you!”. Simple as that. Move on.

(and yes, I am mostly saying this to women because I think we are far more likely to get trapped in the grey, to play nice, to give too many chances and to justify things being less than great)

And yes, I understand why we do this. I understand the consequences of waiting for the Fuck Yes. I know about being alone instead. I know about being single while all your friends are having kids. I know about wanting to wander around Italy with a partner, a lover, a soul mate and putting it off because I haven’t found them. But are we so scared of being alone (only in the romantic partner sense, as we mostly still have family and friends!) that we will choose unhappiness, mediocrity and hard work over dinner for one? Yes, it can be hard to be single for longer rather than constantly dating for the sake of it, but surely it is preferable being happy for one than discontent for two?

OK, at 41 I have had some practice at learning to say “thanks but no thanks” to grey and I was lucky, I got a “Fuck Yes” at 25, so learned exactly what that feels like. And yes, since then, I have dated in the grey out of loneliness, out of not wanting to be picky, out of testing whether my Fuck Yes was a one-off and now I had to join the real world. But I know- deep down- if it’s not a Fuck Yes, it is a solid No.

Sometimes the Fuck Yes is to just being friends, and grey doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with that person or still catch up with them. They might even be perfect for a friend of yours. It does mean they are not your partner, the person you want in your home, your bed, your heart. Fuck Yes’s should probably also apply to some other big things in your life- ok, so deciding on strawberry or chocolate is not a life-changing moment, but it can be a good place to practice finding that knowing, rolling the ideas around on your tongue to see which one tastes right.

And so, I commit again to finding a Fuck Yes. In love and in life- partners, travel ideas, job applications, even clothes shopping- Fuck Yes, no less.

A version of this article was first published in Elephant Journal.

The love less travelled

I believe love is the ultimate expression of our lives, so I asked the Universe why it was wasting my love by not bringing me a partner. The Universe replied:

I already have many people living love that way. I ask you to walk the road less travelled- to live love, to be love without the usual anchors and mirrors.

I guess I always said I liked a challenge. And it is.

True love (though I am not sure there is any other kind) is generated from within- perhaps inspired and fuelled by those around us, but it come from us, not to us. In theory, I can live a life full of love on my own. In practice, I will tell you it is not easy.

I am not just talking about being happy on my own, or finding contentment in life. This is not just enjoying things, but being in love with moments. I am talking about feeling love, real love in an everyday way, without a partner or family to trigger and reflect it.

To actually feel love, not just remember it, on my own is often a challenge. Some days I succeed, some days I have to remind my self to try harder, some days I just want to tell the Universe to shove the road!

But I keep trying. Because I believe in love. I believe it is the ultimate expression of why we are here. And I believe there are many versions. All true. I also believe my higher purpose was never going to be the common road. So, someone has to trek the road where love is explored through other ways. Not with a partner or children, but through beauty, adventure, moments, self.

At the end of the day, we all get to choose our inner world. So, I choose love. Over and over again. In small moments that most people probably don’t need to see as being loveable. Tonight, I was in love with the sunset...







A longer version of this blog is now on Elephant Journal- http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/01/the-love-less-traveled-tui-anderson/

All Paths To Me

It used to really bother me when people would say they hoped I found what I was looking for or ask me if I was going to find myself in my travels- it probably still would bother me, but no-one has said it to me in a while! I never felt like I was lost, or missing any part of myself that I had to go out searching for, so it somehow felt like they were saying that I felt inadequate because I wanted to go on an adventure. 

 I realised talking to a friend yesterday though, how different my life has become because of my travels- how different I have become. The life I have now is nothing like where I thought I would be now if you had asked me 10 years ago. 

AND both are ok. I would have still been stronger, wiser, deeper if I had kept going on the path I was on then- it just would have been a totally different version of me! So I don't think I am 'finding' anything as such and was certainly not looking for this version of me as I didn't even know she could exist, but I am exploring myself and discovering one (or more) versions of the potentials I had. 

We all have every possibility inside of us, but by choosing some things over other, or not choosing some options, we only get the chance to fully develop bits and pieces of that. And that is completely fine- necessary in fact! Trying to be everything across your whole life would likely leave you with very little defined anything in the way of an actual sense of self!

Obviously, there are paths I have not taken or have been pushed off or have moved away from. We all do that across our lives. The paths we DO take are what mould us- where we shine a light into certain corners of our potential and discover what lies within. 

I could never, would never, have dreamed 10 years ago that I would be cycling home to my apartment in Nepal under a full moon (in winter!!!!), grinning like a (cold) maniac because I was so happy at simply being here. I could not have gone looking for this if I had tried because I had to get on the path to here to be here. 

So live your path fully. Immerse yourself into your potential, exploring the "who you are" that your choices lead you to. Our growth, our happiness, our life is in front of us no matter which path we are on.

♥

The Position of Love

Love is a commitment to a position, not a condition

(source unknown)

You know when you read something and it reaches up and grabs you by the throat, the heart, the mind, the soul. Maybe it’s just me, but it happens every so often- it might be a simple quote or a phrase, often on Facebook, sometimes even something I have seen before.

But, NOW, in this moment, those words speak.

The words above grabbed me today. I have been thinking a lot about judgment, about public shaming, about people not supporting each other. I have also been thinking about self-acceptance and how it all stems from how we truly feel about ourselves.

These words remind me- I choose.

But I can also turn this inward. Coming back to Nepal has reminded me how much I struggled with the Buddhist teachings when I spent a month in a monastery here 2 years ago. Yes, I actually found the tenants of Buddhism depressing. And oppressive. As I find pretty much all Religion.

The idea that our human self is flawed, broken, inferior is so sad. That we are somehow inadequate and should be striving for some 'other' perfection. That we are suffering, just by being here. (oh, and there are those 6 realms of hell to top it off!)

What if we committed to our humanness with love? What if the ‘monkey mind’ was not to be overcome or calmed, but is a very treasured component of our incarnation? What if our bodies are not to be transcended but to be truly lived in and loved? And yes, that includes food, and sex, and thinking, and lying in the sunshine, and chocolate, and, and, and…

Yes, I believe we are here to learn, to grow, to evolve. But perhaps, rather than attempting to reject or even outgrow our humanity  what if we embrace it. Love it. Kind of like “loving the one you are with”- is it possible the path to more is through fully accepting and enjoying Who You Are.  A commitment to your Loving your position of Self.

How I Am More Me Than Ever Before

I popped in to Bali for 2 months, on my way to South America, as I had a itch to be anywhere but home for a while. That was 14 months ago and I just left Bali yesterday. 

So much and so little has happened in that time. In many ways, I set up a very routine and normal life in Bali. I had a small house, so I would cook most of my meals at home, I went to yoga 3-4 times a week and sat around reading lots of books... Very every day, but I also did meditation and spiritual courses and I learned much about myself. 

Interestingly, my biggest growths have been in the past month or so, once I committed to leaving. Funny how a little pressure, or an ending can spur us deeper into where we need to go. I do have to say though, that the deepening- the internal places I have gone in the past month- could never have happened without all the groundwork. Huge shifts can happen in a weekend course or a retreat, but the nuances, the layers and layers can only be explored with time. 

The thing is that I do not really know how or why I am different. I can't really see myself. I am not sure any of us have a true reference for who we are in comparison to others, as we cannot know anything other than our own perspective and we can never know how to not be ourselves- wherever that is in any given moment. It is like trying to imagine actually being the opposite gender- you may be able to imagine a bit, but you cannot truly know what it would feel like from the inside. 

So, at most times in my life, I have felt the most calm, the most happy, the most evolved I have every been. At each time, I am right. AND it changes as time goes on. My most happy last year was nowhere near the same as my most happy now. My 'knowing myself' 10 years ago was  a million miles from where I am now. I am so much more than I was then, but that does not for a second mean I was not enough then. I was everything then, as I am everything now- it is just a different version of everything.

So I cannot see how I have changed, for I can only feel where I am at any given moment, and it is completely true for each moment. Let's see what Nepal adds to the next moment.