Paradox

Par·a·dox: one (as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases

I am fascinated by the questions of who we are and why we are here and the inherent paradoxes that come up when I think about the human condition... I love the equal and dichotomous Truths that inevitably arise (for me anyway!) when contemplating the biggest picture.

One of the biggest paradoxes I have become aware of in my own thinking about humanity is the paradox between my strong drive to compassion for individuals and a belief in the importance of all humans having equal rights and opportunities AND a strong awareness of the over-population of the planet and the need for not all individuals to survive and reproduce in order for humanity to not destroy our only ecosystem... Paradox.

Today I began an accountability process where I set goals for each day, for each week and have my mentor assist me in holding myself to a higher standard. I love the idea of growing myself, of discovering new facets, of being pushed to new experiences, AND, at the same time, there is something deeply uncomfortable about the implied need for change. Part of me is perfectly happy the way I am... Paradox.

I think the truth is that there is no Truth... There is no one way of anything. Sure, there are simple facts, but our existence, the complex and intertwined massive picture that is our existence cannot be boiled down to 'facts' and can certainly not be described as simple...

We are both perfect as we are AND inspired to grow and learn. Both the collective AND the individual are paramount. Our experience on Earth is one of both physicality AND spirituality... Paradoxes all!

The best paradox of all is that it takes all the individuals who only believe in one side of each of these things to create the overall balance... :)

I (Don't) Like to Move It Move It

In all the years and places I have lived, I just realised that I have never moved within the same town. I have lived in 9 different houses in 9 different towns. Often I come back to the same house after venturing out. Now I am contemplating moving within a town for the first time.

This has made me realised how hard the idea is for me! I am very attached to my current house and am very reluctant to even start looking for a new one, but I need to accommodate ‘guest season’ here in Ubud. I have friends who have promised to visit and surely it is easy enough to just move to a 2-bedroom place. Right?

Right???

Just move…

This would be my first move that is not either running away or coming home. I am not setting out on a grand adventure. I am not coming home full of stories and new ideas. The first time moving is not a deliberate shove towards internal change, or a thin mask for a lack of change.

I am essentially a travelling homebody. Unless my psyche is driving me to the radical, I like being grounded, having a place of my own. Even when I do travel, it is with a sense of a base, having somewhere that I could always come back to. For some reason, the idea of actually just moving house has shaken that. I don’t yet know why.

I could simply move my stuff, from one place to another. And take all of myself with me.

As soon as I actually find a house I want to move to…

This is my way, get your own highway!

I was at a business development workshop last weekend, aimed at people who wanted to be speakers, authors and coaches, so primarily attended by those in the 'mind, body & soul' arena. I had the most fascinating conversation with a man who calls himself a coach and trainer (not sure what his specialty is) about the "perceived conflict" between personal development and spiritual development.

He commented that people have an 'either/or' approach to development- you can either be successful or you can be spiritual. I was talking about how my first steps to 'self-awareness' came through psychology, then personal development, then spiritual journeying and how I have found value from all of these routes, depending on where I was in my life and that they all fed into each other.

I went on to say that the different routes suit different people as they have different needs and are looking for different goals and outcomes. I am not sure how the whole conversation went exactly, but I said to him something along the lines of:

"I not only love that everyone is different, I want it to be that way. Everyone has a different 'balance point'- where the balance lies for them in their life. I am an introvert- I don't want a heap of other people to have my balance point! I like having my own space in my particular version of what is right for me, so look at it that each person needs to find what works for them."

The coach/trainer looked at me like I had suddenly sprouted wings or something and actually said he had never thought of that before. That he had thought everyone needed to be guided to the same beliefs or system as him.

Now, I thought his belief was crazy, as it is so natural to me to think the way I do, but when I thought about it more, I guess the desire for others to not only agree with us, but to follow the same path is at the root of much of the conflict in the world.

Maybe we need to accept and actually encourage everyone to find their own happiness in their own space... Don't just walk your own path, support others in finding theirs.

Sooo, like Zen, man...

Now most of you will think that I am pretty heavily "on the spiritual path" and may be "pretty far out there" by now. Well, firstly, but Ubud standards, I am completely square and secondly, the further I go, the more I appreciate the journey of being human.

A couple of conversations this week have reminded me of just how fundamental our human instincts are and,  no matter how far we go to 'dissolve' these things, we have visceral reactions to some states that are built in to our brains. The issues most people have around finances, for example, are grounded in the fundamental need for survival (given that in our physical world, the basic needs for food and shelter can generally be met with money). No matter how zen or enlightened we get, we are still going to have a giant red button in our brain that says 'I gotta survive'!

Grief is another one- I was in a meditation class recently with a lady who had a very strong outpouring of grief, which she identified was connected to the passing of her mother several years ago. Now, she could not really understand her sobbing, as, in her words, "I understand that everyone has to die and I was fine with that and besides, I was busy being strong for my family". Fortunately, the woman running the class was switched on and reminded this lady that, no matter how much we rationalise out emotional reactions, some things are visceral. Grief hits you in the guts, whether we sublimely 'accept death' or fight it tooth and nail.

The path to balance has many directions- we all need different journeys to balance out our personal positions. I have met people here who are soooooo far out, that they are not remembering to enjoy this physical life- being human is not just about raw veganism and "being one with the Universe" (cue ultra-calm voice!). Being human is about chocolate and sex, watching a sunset and jumping in the ocean, it is about remembering our connection to Source and then forgetting again, making mistakes and riding this human journey for all it is worth.

Namaste ♥

Today, I fell in love...

Today, the most unexpected thing happened. I fell in Love.

I was doing a meditation, dealing with some blocks I have had with connecting and relationships. You know, processing my past, etc, etc... Then, suddenly, the most amazing feeling arose inside of me, when I thought about a certain person...

Now, I have known this person my entire life. I have lived with them, I have known their every thought, their every move. I have criticised, judged, pushed, pulled, yelled at and laughed with this person. I have accepted them; I thought I did not judge. I thought I knew them. But I did not know that I did not love them. 

Not in the way that I knew love. Not like when I thought about my family, the people that I truly knew that I loved. When I thought of this person, I did not feel that warm fuzzy feeling. My chest did not ache with joy. But I had never thought about actually loving them before.

Today, that changed. I fell in love... 

with myself.

This was not just a happy feeling, not just self-acceptance and not just connection with the Source within me. This is actual true Love- for Me, from Me...  

So, I have no idea if this is normal and most people are saying, "well der", or if this is something that others also struggle to find, but I do know that this will change Who I Am. Oh, my day to day life may not change much, but I will be spending it with someone that I love and that is going to change everything...

Unwordable

My friend is a energy master. One of the few Westerners to study under the Balinese spiritual masters. When we meditate at Balinese temples, strange things happen. Her experiences are stranger than mine, but still, strange things happen.

What strange things, I hear you ask. Tell us more…

I cant!!! There are no words for these kinds of experiences. These experiences are simply unwordable.

Now, language is one of my favourite things. I love the nuances of words, finding exactly the right adjective to convey the subtle differences between things, being precise, being honest and being descriptive. The technical term for me is a logophile!!

But language applies to emotions in about the same way as paint applies to sunsets- it can create an apparent representation, but it can never be the thing it is communicating. The glow, the depth, the scope of a sunset can never be fully captured in a painting or even a photo. Some things, you just have to be there for.

I collect travel experiences the way some people collect shoes. It is not where I have been that counts; it is how it made me feel when I was there. Moonlight and coconut trees evoke the beach parties on a Saturday night in Africa, anything cold is compared to camping at -25C near Everest Base Camp and no meditation is complete without the wave of energy that I feel when I meditate here in Bali.

As I continue my "journey" (ugh- that phrase conjures such images of reality TV contestants and Oprah interviews), I find so many of my experiences are based on emotions that completely defy narrative! What are the words for the feeling of when the spirit of a Balinese king 'gifted' me with wisdom (in a meditation) or how would you tell someone about the physical sensation of the notes of my meditation music dancing in my solar plexus chakra?

Sometimes I think about changing the genre of adjectives we use- what if something smelled blue, or felt lemony? In that case, the Balinese king looked like chocolate truffles, sunsets smell velvety and the Himalayas felt like lightening.

I think we sometimes try to fit so much into so few words. Have you ever said “I love you” and felt like the words were too small? Have you tried to tell someone about something that happened, and found that as you talked, it became almost less than what happened, like you were boxing it is with your words? You end up with a lame, "you had to be there", in an attempt to salvage the moment and to help yourself hang on to the feeling you were trying to communicate.

All our words, all our stories are just an attempt to share the experiences we have had. But words are just that- words; they are not the experiences themselves. They are not the feelings we hold in our hearts. Maybe some things are best left being unwordable.

Eat, Pray and too much Love

Don't worry- this is not a blog about what I have been up to!!!!!! :)

This title has been buzzing around in my brain for a few weeks now, mostly as a result of the 'over-touristation' that is so obvious around much of Bali, but now also because of my new volunteer role looking at child protection here.

Ubud, featured in the book "Eat, Pray, Love" is now a mecca for 'spiritual tourists', with organic cafes and yoga studios on every corner. The Balinese seem fairly laid back about this invasion of their ceremonies and temples, but I have heard that some are disgruntled at not being able to afford to live in their own town any more!

It is such an interesting dilemma, as perhaps the only way to contain tourism, to ensure that Bali is not destroyed from over-love, is to increase the prices of flights and services, thus further disadvantaging the locals! Of course also, most locals now rely on tourism for their livelihood, so any actual decrease in tourism is detrimental. How Bali manages issues of infrastructure and resources remains to be seen...

On a different scale of 'too much love' is the problem of sex tourism, and especially child sex tourism that pervades the developing world. I won't say too much more, but of course it is happening here as it is in most developing tourist countries. :(
www.sacredchildhoods.org

What is the future for destinations that are getting too much love??